To appreciate that you may never be perfect yet be happy that you get so much right.
To know that you have made a mistake and yet be open to enjoy the sunshine on the path you have taken because it will shine anyway and understanding that regret can never undo what is done.
To understand that sometimes diacomfort is the place that causes introspection so good you have no choice but to make commitments to be better.
To understand that today is not just a chance to be better but to start making every day count by committing EVERY day to start and stop something. Every single day.
To realise that what you are doing, where you are , with who you are with and what you have is a very good portion of your journey and to fight the urge to want to be elsewhere doing what elseones are doing.
To find your own reasons for doing things that will warm your heart more than any well done can ever do and so not always need validation.
To have the courage to walk away from things that drain your energy because the drama is unnecessary.
To honour your purpose more than obligations that do not honour you are meant to be.
To face your fears, hold on tight, stare back until you are ready to open up, interrogate, admit and choose to let go and not be held back anymore
To know that you have so much say over how it will turn out and make use of that in every circumstance
To not accept and live with symptoms but to value wellness, harmony, growth and life so much you are willing to invest into weeding of fears, anxieties and habits that limit all such.
To release what you have always held onto for comfort and step out to the possibility of being wrong because being wrong is an opportunity to learn better.
To release the burden of always wanting perfect because only so much is in your power and your idea of perfect is not perfect for everyone else involved
To forgive because everyone is entitled to their own mistakes and lessons.
To realise that strife is not at all necessary but you can from that which you despise(insecure admiration)
It will not come naturally but you can and who knows…..you might find pockets of happiness as you go.
So in the midst of all the thinking that has been happening in my life lately I have made a realization that has allowed me to ease up on myself and allow myself to learn,err, to grow to live and just be Taffy. A few weeks ago I had the courage to change my Twitter bio and Facebook status but above all I have internalized the fact that “Hi my name is Taffy and I am work in progress. No perfection here just the best of me. The best bit about it is I am cool with it and so is everyone else who matters”. I initially struggled with this because it felt like a declaration of mediocrity but a few more weeks of thinking on it and I can confidently tell you that it’s a total acknowledgement of who I have worked so hard to become yet an acknowledgement that I still have a lot to learn and improve on. The best that I could be today is this,here,now but I promise even more is yet to come.
My full names are (that’s how we say it here in Zambia) Tafadzwa Geraldine Bête Sasa. Tafadzwa Geraldine, by birth and 1001 other reason a Bete and by love now a Sasa. I mostly go by Taffy (spelt Taphy after my brother decided I needed a cool name). I almost lost myself there as I changed qualifications, jobs, towns,social, legal and economic statuses so I have chosen Taffy to be the one name which I always take with me. So you can call me daughter Taffy, friend Taffy, toastmaster Taffy, Aunty Taffy, Mrs Taffy and in the future Dr Taffy- The titles are only your perception of me but who I see in the mirror is just Taffy. I am a work in progress-everyday I learn something, figure out something, improve something but that also means today I will make some mistakes, not know something and unlearn something but please be patient because…..
…….there is no perfection here just the best of me. This was the hardest past of this process to embrace. Somewhere along the way I kind of fell into the trap of pursuing perfection. I just had to do whatever I did so perfectly well and when I could not for the fear of disapproval, rejection and not being good enough I am sad that I at times covered it up so hard and tried to be perfect. I am not sure how well I fared with that but I know it drained me. I was scared to admit I do not know or I can’t so at the cost of close relationships, others feelings and my very own self image I chased perfection. I have relooked my standards of highest achievement and shifted it from the draining idea of perfection to the growing idea of my very best.My idea of perfect was how everyone else thought it should be yet now I find comfort in how I can apply all I am,know and have to deliver my best? You see if I waited for the day I could write a perfect blog, I may never have started. If I waited for the day I completely stopped doing the bad, to start doing the good, I may never have done a single good thing. If I waited for the day I believed I was perfectly qualified I may never have stepped up to the many opportunities that changed my life. Now though i have not perfected my turning when I drive I still went Kart racing and had an amazing time. Though I cannot cook a perfect three course meal, I will invite my friends for dinner and give it my best shot. The perfect conditions and timing may not come in this life time and since I am now working with my very best and the best of me that I could have today is this here…..I am living my life right now as I am.
I still smile when I remember that this journey of self love and self acceptance began with other peoples assurance. It took a kind loving assurance to assure me that as I am, I am good and if I gave it my best it would be just fine. Simple phrases like ” we will figure it out”and “we learn something new everyday” finally had me put my guard down and start loving who I am and be. The people who matter in our life understand our struggles, experiences and know and totally appreciate who we are without exerting any pressure. These are the people who will give us feedback and cheer on when we try because they know we can improve and want to help us. Oh and yeah just in case you missed it, I do imply that if you cannot believe I can improve, help me improve or just patiently let me figure out then maybe ….just maybe…….Some day as my edges are smoothed over, my efficiency increased,my tenderness and patience are restored and I work like a clock we might catch up but for now…..
Hi my name is Taffy and I am work in progress. No perfection here just the best of me. The best part is I am cool with it and so is everyone who matters
and I was wondering….have you figured you out?Who are you?
Lately I have been thinking and allowing some disruption into my thoughts, systems and how I do things. I have finally gathered the courage to personalize a few things in my own perspective. I have been wondering what success really means to me-is it attaining social norms and awards for articulation I mastered when I was 10 or the daily struggle with my snooze alarm. I have been questioning what it is that I seek to end with all my passionate applications and efforts.I have been wondering what is the one thing I am particularly passionate about that I would talk about the day I am invited to give a Ted Talk. What is the legacy that I will leave. I have sought to define and understand why I like the things I like. I have sat down and faced my discomforts. I have understood there is nothing that can forever remain a mystery and I am diligently unpacking all the fears and dislikes and loves of my life.
I have started asking the difficult questions like why I seem to always fight with my sister. Instead of just brushing it away and hiding behind sibling rivalry I have to finally admit that it’s because she knows me well enough to question the choices that others just accept to be who I am.That after every fight with her I am so much more aggravated and upset not at her but at myself. For she brings up issues that I have chosen to just ignore. That though we fight like cats when push comes to shove she was there the one night it all got too much and I broke down in the middle of the night and cried to sleep. I have been thinking and I realise That many times we avoid people and circumstances not for them but for what they bring out in us.
Like I have finally gotten back to that message which criticized me for comforting peoples comfort zones in Ndoreketa. I ignored that voice for a long time but some days it was there every time I started to write the messages reminding me whether I am really doing enough with my messages or they have become a daily ritual. So one of these days I went back to that message and confronted the truth that initially I wrote about the struggles I faced as I was leaving my comfort zone into my optimum zone. That initially I looked to the current struggles of my life and wrote something that would have jerked me out of my comfort zone but now though I still look at my current situation now I write about what I changed in the past without daring to tackle what I know I should change. I have been thinking about how I have been making excuses for my inconsistent blogging but that’s just because I have been lazing around and have stopped reading, researching and setting aside time to write my 1000words a day.
Lately I have been thinking and wondering why there are certain people I dislike. Instead of blaming it on their bossyness or whatever else I hid behind, I had to come to terms with the fact that these are people who have dominated what I fear to tackle. That these are the people who will look beyond everyone’s acceptance of my good performance and demand my very best. That these are the people who represent and remind me of what I am trying to conquer within me. You know like how similar ends of the magnet repel…I am forcing myself to face what exactly repels me in some people. I have been doing a lot of thinking to the things that have become my trademarks that people have learnt to live with. I have interrogated my wit and sarcasm and traced it to that fear of vulnerability lest it’s taken for granted. I have sheltered myself with traits and characteristics that have since become obsolete because now I shut out people with no evil intentions against me. I have realized and accepted that sometimes my first/impulsive reactions are to always protect or prove that I can defend but it’s not always necessary.
Yet similarly I have discovered why I love that turquoise green I love so much. I love it because that’s the color of shoes my role model wore the day I first met her.I have also figured I love shoes so much because in second year I had a condition that had me not walking for weeks and I feared I might never walk again. So now when I wear the heels that I love to rocks it’s a celebration of this second lease to walking and walking in heels too. I understand now that I loove elderly women particularly those from church for they remind me of my mothers big generous heart which loves and embraces others and carries their burdens. I now know too that my past two ringtones have just been an expression of the happiness I have been experiencing in my marriage. That I became friends with the best friend I have had because he shares names with my only much loved brother. That every time I speak so well and articulately I am reminded of dad’s encouragement to read and when I do it at places he may never be at, I carry this pride in knowing I am because he invested in me.
Lately I have been wondering a lot about a lot of things I had just accepted as being the way they are and I realise it’s never a coincidence but there is something that made me the Taffy that I am. I have been thinking and I am thinking maybe I could make peace with my past, forgive others and myself, that maybe I could shed that shell that I do not need anymore. That maybe I could reconsider some choices, admit I was wrong, that I do not know everything. That though I am good person and there are people who love me as I am, I could be a better person and just love back the people who love me the way they deserve to be loved. That maybe though I get the job done,it’s about time I brought in accountability and systems to maximize on what I can be. That maybe I get so many headaches and tummy aches because of those veges I love to hate and a few peppers and greens could make me healthier. Lately I have been thinking about the hard questions of my life and though I do not like some of the realizations , I will keep on at it until I know me like I should know me.
So this one really is a space where I hope to reflect on some of the realisations I get from random conversations, observations and introspection. You know how sometimes you have a conversation with someone and they say something and suddenly it hits you. That one statement they say suddenly illuminates and puts into perspective 101 other things that have just been milling around in your mind. Just as a disclaimer most of it will be insights that I would have found quiet useful and just so there is a record of these insights somewhere but as well there might be random ones. What would be awesome is if you could kindly share your understanding, thoughts, opinions and reflections on whatever I would have written about just so I also grow and learn from your reflections.