Lately I have been thinking and allowing some disruption into my thoughts, systems and how I do things. I have finally gathered the courage to personalize a few things in my own perspective. I have been wondering what success really means to me-is it attaining social norms and awards for articulation I mastered when I was 10 or the daily struggle with my snooze alarm. I have been questioning what it is that I seek to end with all my passionate applications and efforts.I have been wondering what is the one thing I am particularly passionate about that I would talk about the day I am invited to give a Ted Talk. What is the legacy that I will leave. I have sought to define and understand why I like the things I like. I have sat down and faced my discomforts. I have understood there is nothing that can forever remain a mystery and I am diligently unpacking all the fears and dislikes and loves of my life.
I have started asking the difficult questions like why I seem to always fight with my sister. Instead of just brushing it away and hiding behind sibling rivalry I have to finally admit that it’s because she knows me well enough to question the choices that others just accept to be who I am.That after every fight with her I am so much more aggravated and upset not at her but at myself. For she brings up issues that I have chosen to just ignore. That though we fight like cats when push comes to shove she was there the one night it all got too much and I broke down in the middle of the night and cried to sleep. I have been thinking and I realise That many times we avoid people and circumstances not for them but for what they bring out in us.
Like I have finally gotten back to that message which criticized me for comforting peoples comfort zones in Ndoreketa. I ignored that voice for a long time but some days it was there every time I started to write the messages reminding me whether I am really doing enough with my messages or they have become a daily ritual. So one of these days I went back to that message and confronted the truth that initially I wrote about the struggles I faced as I was leaving my comfort zone into my optimum zone. That initially I looked to the current struggles of my life and wrote something that would have jerked me out of my comfort zone but now though I still look at my current situation now I write about what I changed in the past without daring to tackle what I know I should change. I have been thinking about how I have been making excuses for my inconsistent blogging but that’s just because I have been lazing around and have stopped reading, researching and setting aside time to write my 1000words a day.
Lately I have been thinking and wondering why there are certain people I dislike. Instead of blaming it on their bossyness or whatever else I hid behind, I had to come to terms with the fact that these are people who have dominated what I fear to tackle. That these are the people who will look beyond everyone’s acceptance of my good performance and demand my very best. That these are the people who represent and remind me of what I am trying to conquer within me. You know like how similar ends of the magnet repel…I am forcing myself to face what exactly repels me in some people. I have been doing a lot of thinking to the things that have become my trademarks that people have learnt to live with. I have interrogated my wit and sarcasm and traced it to that fear of vulnerability lest it’s taken for granted. I have sheltered myself with traits and characteristics that have since become obsolete because now I shut out people with no evil intentions against me. I have realized and accepted that sometimes my first/impulsive reactions are to always protect or prove that I can defend but it’s not always necessary.
Yet similarly I have discovered why I love that turquoise green I love so much. I love it because that’s the color of shoes my role model wore the day I first met her.I have also figured I love shoes so much because in second year I had a condition that had me not walking for weeks and I feared I might never walk again. So now when I wear the heels that I love to rocks it’s a celebration of this second lease to walking and walking in heels too. I understand now that I loove elderly women particularly those from church for they remind me of my mothers big generous heart which loves and embraces others and carries their burdens. I now know too that my past two ringtones have just been an expression of the happiness I have been experiencing in my marriage. That I became friends with the best friend I have had because he shares names with my only much loved brother. That every time I speak so well and articulately I am reminded of dad’s encouragement to read and when I do it at places he may never be at, I carry this pride in knowing I am because he invested in me.
Lately I have been wondering a lot about a lot of things I had just accepted as being the way they are and I realise it’s never a coincidence but there is something that made me the Taffy that I am. I have been thinking and I am thinking maybe I could make peace with my past, forgive others and myself, that maybe I could shed that shell that I do not need anymore. That maybe I could reconsider some choices, admit I was wrong, that I do not know everything. That though I am good person and there are people who love me as I am, I could be a better person and just love back the people who love me the way they deserve to be loved. That maybe though I get the job done,it’s about time I brought in accountability and systems to maximize on what I can be. That maybe I get so many headaches and tummy aches because of those veges I love to hate and a few peppers and greens could make me healthier. Lately I have been thinking about the hard questions of my life and though I do not like some of the realizations , I will keep on at it until I know me like I should know me.